Life After Rampage
by kate213
Summary: Chapter 8 is up. Abby, after her conversation with Carter in chapter 7.
1. The Darkest Day

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own any of these characters (although I would love Luka to be mine

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own any of these characters (although I would love Luka to be mine!).They are the property of the people at NBC and/or whoever else owns them…Please don't sue me, I am not making any money off this fic!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place right after "Rampage."Sorry if I take some liberties with things that have happened earlier in the plot – I missed some episodes last season!

Also…

Please, please, please r/r!!!I will write more if I get positive feedback (but also tell me what you don't like).But be kind, as this is my first fic.Thanks!Okay, now with all that out of the way, here goes…

THE DARKEST DAY

The roof was always the place she came when she needed to think.And on this day, above all others, she needed to think.Abby Lockhart stared out across the rooftops of Chicago, listening to a siren wailing in the distance.Heading to County?She hoped not, because if a trauma were coming in she would have to climb down and face him.And she knew she wasn't ready to do that.Would she ever be ready?

_"This friendship is convenient for you, Abby, but not for me…I don't want to wish bad things for you and Luka…I don't want to be the one you come to to talk about him…"_

The conversation of a few short hours ago filtered through Abby's mind as she continued staring blankly across the city.Her thoughts fell fragmented through her brain as she searched to find some sense in this._Carter.In love.With me._It was amazing that she had never realized it before.She thought now of the trip to Oklahoma to pick up Maggie.Was Carter's motivation for going with her purely friendly?Now, she doubted it.That hurt.

But what hurt most of all was the fact that he didn't even want to be friends anymore.Carter, her best friend, her confidant.Carter, the only person she had ever really opened up to.Abby could not imagine not being able to talk to him about Maggie, or Richard, or Luka, or…anything.She hugged her arms to her body, trying to dispel the sudden chill that had come over her.Feeling the prick of tears, she fought them fiercely.Even alone on the roof she could not cry.It seemed that she was incapable of shedding tears anymore – that ability had gone with her childhood, probably around age seven.

Abby was at a loss as to who she could talk to, now that Carter had thrown their friendship away._Luka,_ her heart seemed to whisper.With that thought came panic.She knew that Luka wished she would talk to him like she did Carter.That was part of the problem with Luka.He wanted to get too close.God, he had even practically offered to pay for med school.But, she was so afraid of letting someone love her, of loving someone else.Everyone in her life who she had loved had ended up hurting her: her dad, Maggie, Richard, and now…Carter.She just couldn't risk getting hurt again by Luka.Besides, when he found out what kind of person she really was…

It was almost pitch black by the time Abby turned to leave the roof.She was glad for the darkness, because it masked the despair she knew showed on her face.This had been a dark day all around.The darkest day.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Kerry, have you seen Abby lately?" Dr. Luka Kovac stopped Dr. Kerry Weaver at the end of his shift.

"No, but maybe she went home?She was due to get off a while ago, right?"

"Yeah, okay …Thanks Kerry."Luka ran a hand through his thick, dark hair, something he only did when he was worried or upset.He seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

Dr. Dave Malucci, who had heard the short exchange, came up behind Luka and slapped him on the back."Can't seem to keep track of your girl, huh?Man, I tell you, if I had a chick that hot, I'd never let her outta my…" Dave broke off in midsentence, silenced (for once) by the look on Luka's face."Jeez, what's gotten into him lately?" Dave muttered as he stepped back.

Luka was fuming as he entered the locker room and collected his belongings from his locker.Abby had promised to wait for him after her shift, and he had been planning a nice, romantic dinner for the two of them to share.Anything to get her out of this funk she seemed to be in lately.She had stood him up for lunch, too, today, and he was beginning to get weary of the casual way she treated their relationship.He didn't mind so much that she spent all that time with Carter; he just wished she felt as close to him as she obviously did to Carter.

With a sigh, Luka made his way to the El.She was his girlfriend, for God's sake.Why couldn't she feel close to him?Of course, Abby was spending the night at Luka's hotel a lot, and when they made love Luka always felt like she was finally giving all of herself to him.But, as soon as morning came, she was the other Abby again – distant, even a bit cold…closed to him once again.

Climbing the stairs to Abby's apartment, Luka recalled the first time he had been here with her.They had both been a bit nervous, he teasing her about something – forgotten now – and she had been laughing.He loved her smile, her laugh.That was something he hadn't seen in a long time.He didn't count the tight-lipped smiles she forced for him lately.He had no idea how he could get her to open up, to let him know what demons she was facing.

He paused at her door and then knocked softly._Oh, God, what if she's asleep?Shit._He looked at his watch – 11:30.So much for dinner.The door cracked open a bit, revealing Abby's tired face."Abby – " he began.

She sighed, and he was filled with an overwhelming urge to gather her in his arms and hold her as she fell asleep._Whoa, Luka, slow down, _he admonished himself, _she's upset, you asshole._"Luka, I don't think…maybe this isn't…maybe you shouldn't be here right now…" She moved to close the door.

"Wait, Abby…please let me come in," he pleaded, "tell me what's going on."He touched her hand through the opening in the door and she sighed again, as if resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to leave.She opened the door wider.Luka stepped into her apartment and noticed that she was dressed for bed – cotton pajama pants and a faded T-shirt that sported the County logo.Her hair was down and she was wearing no makeup.She looked beautiful.

"Did I wake you Abby?" he asked, tearing his eyes away from her chest, where he realized she was not wearing a bra.

She put a hand to her neck nervously."Couldn't sleep," she responded, not looking at him.

She looked so destroyed by something – _what was it?_ – that he touched her arm against his better judgment."Talk to me Abby.What's wrong?"A thought occurred to him and he quickly asked, "Is this about me turning in your application?"

"That's not it…" Her face crumpled and she shuddered."Oh, Luka, my whole life is so messed up right now…I'm so scared."He could see her struggling not to cry, and it shocked him.He had never seen her cry, not even when her mother had been brought in to County with an overdose of sleeping pills.He threw away his reservations and wrapped his arms around her.She turned, burying her face in his shirt.He led her to the couch and they sat down, still wrapped in each other's arms.She was gasping now, half-sobs coming like waves from her throat.

Luka held her closer."It's okay, Abby, you can cry.Cry now, honey, it's just me."Her back got tighter and tighter from the unshed tears, until she could hold them in no longer.She finally surrendered to her tears, great sobs racking her body.Luka held her as she cried, stroking her hair and murmuring soft words as a father would to his child.

Abby cried for what seemed like hours.Afterwards, she leaned against Luka, exhausted.She opened her mouth to speak, but Luka placed a finger on her lips."You don't have to talk about it, Abby."He gently wiped her red eyes with a tissue.

"No," she whispered, "I need to."Luka listened as Abby chokingly told him of her life – about Maggie, about Richard, about her alcoholism, about Carter.He did not say a word the entire time, just rubbed her back and made encouraging sounds into her ear.Finally, when she could say no more, she fell asleep in Luka's arms.

When he was sure she was sleeping soundly, Luka gently lifted Abby up and carried her to her bedroom, laying her on her bed.He brushed the hair from her wet face, and she shifted, her eyelids fluttering open."Shhh, Abby, just go back to sleep," he whispered.

She clung to his hand."Please don't leave me.Please, Luka."

"Never."Kissing her forehead, he laid down beside her, enfolding her in his arms.It was in this position that Abby finally fell asleep.


	2. Sleepless Night

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anyone, of course…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anyone, of course…

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Here it is – the second chapter of "Life After Rampage."For a reference point, this takes place right after the first chapter, so read that one first to understand.As always, please r/r.

Also, I changed the censor to PG-13, just in case, cause I don't know what coming chapters will bring…

SLEEPLESS NIGHT

As he listened to his girlfriend's even breathing, Luka's mind was reeling.He had heard bits and pieces of Abby's story before, but never in such heart-wrenching detail as she had shared with him that night.He supposed he should be glad that she had finally opened up to him – and he really was, for the most part.But part of him wished he did not know everything, so he could go on happily in his naïveté.What you don't know can't hurt you, right?But he did know, and he would never be the same.

He watched as Abby's chest moved up and down with the cadence of deep sleep.She looked so peaceful lying there, and his heart broke again as he recalled her words from just hours before.

I had so few friends in school because I couldn't invite anyone over to my house…not with Maggie so unpredictable and embarrassing…

Oh, Abby, why are kids so cruel?And we adults aren't much better, are we?

I started drinking in fifth grade, anything to escape what was happening at home…but then I couldn't stop…

I'm sorry, Abby.

_When Richard came along, I thought I'd finally found someone who loved me despite my family and problems…but then he'd get drunk too and I knew…_

But you stayed, even though he didn't love you.

_He started to hit me…so I finally left._

I'm sorry, Abby.So sorry.

But none of these revelations hurt Luka as much as what she had said last.He closed his eyes, attempting to shut out the words, but they came, unbidden.

I was pregnant.I couldn't have the baby, couldn't give it the same empty childhood, couldn't risk bringing another sick child into the world, couldn't bring up a baby in a loveless marriage…I had an abortion.I killed my baby.Richard never even knew.I killed my baby…I killed my daughter, my little girl…Oh God, I'm so sorry…I killed her…

Luka put his hand to his face and discovered he was crying.He eased out of Abby's embrace on the bed and stumbled into a chair across the room.Ah, God, another child dead.How could this happen?Luka's shoulders shook with silent sobs as he felt this loss almost as acutely as the loss of his own children, Jasna and Marco.As with that other loss, he also felt a burning, consuming anger.Not at the Serbs this time, but at the beautiful woman lying on the bed two steps away from him.How could she? his heart cried.Didn't she know that there were hundreds, thousands, millions of children killed everyday?Didn't she know there was enough heartache in the world without adding to it?Didn't she know how much he would have given to turn back the clock and protect Jasna and Marco from their deaths?Luka sobbed as his anger and grief threatened to take him over.

Forgive.Luka looked up, almost sure the gentle voice had come from somewhere in the room.He heard it again.Forgive.The voice sounded remarkably like that of the Bishop's, but perhaps that was just in his head as well.The voice was persistent.Forgive, he heard again, and this time the voice was Daniella's."No," he whispered, but then – what if he did?What if he forgave?What would it cost?More pain?No.He realized that it was the only thing to do – that or live with his anger forever.Forgive, he heard again, and this time he said, "yes."

Looking out the window, Luka noticed that the sun was already coming up.A new day.And maybe, just maybe, a day that would bring even more healing than had already taken place on this sleepless night.


	3. The Morning After

DISCLAIMER: Do I really have to say that I don't own anyone

DISCLAIMER: Do I really have to say that I don't own anyone?

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is chapter 3 of "Life After Rampage," takes place right after chapter 2, and is from Abby's POV.Please review, and let me know if you like the first-person POV or if should I stick with third person.Thanks!Also, thanks for all the kind reviews I've gotten after chapters 1 and 2!

THE MORNING AFTER

I wake feeling more rested and at peace than I have in…well, too long to remember.At first, I can't figure out why I feel so good.Then the events of last night come flooding back, and my sense of well-being evaporates.I know that it was good for me to tell Luka everything, and that's why I'm feeling so peaceful, but I can't help a sense of dread coming over me.I notice that he is not beside me in bed anymore and I know that I have finally succeeded in making him hate me.He deserved to know, but still it hurts.Ah, how it hurts.

I roll over onto my back and get the shock of my life.I see Luka slumped in my chair across the room, sleeping.I can tell by his face that he's been crying, and I wonder why he stayed.I shake my head, thinking maybe I'm not as awake as I originally thought.But, opening my eyes again, I see him there, his mouth slightly open as he breathes softly.He is still dressed in his scrubs; he came over right after his shift.I notice he is even still wearing his shoes, and my heart goes out to this gentle man.It is all I can do not to cry out at the pain I've surely caused him.When he wakes up, I am sure he will leave, never wanting to see me again.But, for now, he is here.I let a measure of hope seep into my consciousness.

Quietly, so as not to wake Luka, I slip out of bed and head to the bathroom.I undress and step under the hot water, letting it soak away the remainders of last night's tears.Once again, I am plagued by doubts – does Luka really hate me?I wouldn't blame him if he did.I certainly don't look in the mirror and love what I see.I think that he probably was okay until I told him about my pregnancy and abortion.What an idiot I am – he lost his children to a war and here I tell him that I voluntarily killed my own child.Of course he hates me.Who wouldn't?I was crazy to hope that he would understand.Sure he's still here – it was nearly three a.m. when he carried me to bed last night.The fact that he is sleeping in my bedroom right now only means that he was too tired to go home.

I almost start crying again, fearing that I've lost the one person that might have truly loved me.Instead, I turn the water off and towel down.I slip on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, running my fingers through my hair to comb it.I don't have to go to work until this evening, but suddenly I have to get out of here, away from Luka sleeping in the next room, away from his wrath that will surely come out when he wakes.I feel like I'm suffocating in my own apartment.

I tiptoe to my bedroom to retrieve my purse and to my dismay find the chair empty.He's left.I stand in the middle of the room for a moment, lost.I finally move into the kitchen and get my second shock of the morning.Luka sits at the kitchen table, a mug of coffee in front of him.He looks up at me as I walk in and I can tell that he didn't sleep much at all last night.I am frozen, unsure of what this means.He gives me a tired smile, saying, "I helped myself to your coffee maker."

I feel my breath whoosh out as relief floods me – there is none of the angry yelling that I had psyched myself for.To my surprise, I feel tears coming again – when will I stop crying?"Luka," I begin in a whisper, "I'm sorry, so sorry…I know you hate me…you don't have to stay…"

He cuts me off with a shake of his head and rises from the table.I see him walking over to me as if I am outside my body, a spectator.Still rambling apologies, I watch him putting his arms around me, stroking my back."Shhh…Abby…" he murmurs against my hair.

In a daze, I wrap my arms around his middle and lean into his chest, breathing in the familiar scent of him.Then – miracle of miracles – I hear three words that mean everything to me: "I love you."He says it about three more times before I let myself believe it.I think we are both crying now, and I lift my head to look him in the eye.Then I _know_ – and let myself say those words back to him, for the first time ever.He lowers his head and his lips meet mine, in the sweetest kiss I have ever felt.We are laughing and crying and kissing, all at the same time, and I know all is forgiven.

I disengage my mind and take stock of my emotions and find that I am _happy_._So happy_ to be in this man's arms.I have not felt this way in so long and have almost forgotten what it feels like, happiness.I rest my head against Luka's chest, feeling safe and at home.


	4. Confrontation

DISCLAIMER: Okay, once again, I do not own anyone, not even Luka (don't I wish…)

DISCLAIMER: Okay, once again, I do not own anyone, not even Luka (don't I wish…).Oh wait, I guess I can claim Ms. Hubert, the patient…Although, even if you do sue me you won't get anything, because I'm broke!

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Chapter 4 of "Life After Rampage" takes place a little bit after chapter 3 – maybe a couple of weeks.Please r/r, of course!Also, I changed the censor back to PG, because – wow – is this tame!

CONFRONTATION

Abby Lockhart was greeted with a squeal as she entered County.Jing Mei Chen was grinning at her slyly."Is that what I think it is?" she questioned, looking pointedly at Abby's left hand.Abby blushed, figuring she would have to put up with the inquiries of the staff at least until everyone found out."Well," Chen prodded, "when did he finally propose?"  
Abby was all smiles as she answered, "Last night."

Chen surprised Abby with a big hug, something that the two women had never shared before.What was it about engagements and weddings that made people suddenly so affectionate?

Just then, Chen's beeper went off and she left Abby to ponder the events of last night that had led up to Luka's proposal.Thinking back, Abby had had no idea that her boyfriend had marriage on his mind when he offered to cook dinner for her. He had arrived at her apartment with bags of groceries and set to work in the kitchen.Abby had been in her bedroom putting away laundry when the delicious smells coming from the kitchen enticed her out.She entered the kitchen to find Luka setting the table with a white tablecloth and candles."Should I have dressed up?" she asked, half jokingly.

He looked up from the table and smiled."You look perfect."

During the meal of chicken and pasta, Luka seemed distracted.Abby chalked it up to a hard day at work until he suddenly got up from the table and knelt by her chair.Abby couldn't help laughing, "You've been watching too many cheesy American movies."Her laughter was silenced by the look on her boyfriend's face.Immediately she sobered, her heart beating a little faster."What is it, Luka?"

He took her left hand in his and placed a small velvet box in her palm."Abby," he began, "when I lost my family, I thought I would never love anyone again.That's been proven wrong, because I am more in love with you than I could have ever imagined.I love you, Abby, and I don't want to spend another day without you as my wife.Will you marry me?"

Abby's eyes filled with tears as Luka opened the box, revealing a simple gold band with a beautiful diamond."Oh, Luka, yes!" she exclaimed as he slipped the ring on her finger.He kissed her palm and she pulled his head towards her, their lips meeting in their first kiss as an engaged couple…

"Abby.Abby!ABBY!"

Abby was jolted back to the present by someone calling her name.She opened her eyes to see Dr. Mark Greene standing in front of her."Oh.Sorry, Dr. Greene."

Mark shook his head and reminded Abby that there was a patient waiting for her in Exam 2."Oh, and Abby," he continued, "congratulations."Abby smiled her thanks as she pushed aside the curtain to Exam 2.She was dismayed to find Carter with the patient.He glanced at her as she walked in and then looked away."Ms. Hubert needs a hand getting to the restroom.Would you please…" He walked out the door without finishing.Abby tried not to let her disappointment over Carter's coldness show to her patient as she took the woman's arm and helped her out of bed.

When Abby got Ms. Hubert back into her bed, she walked out of the exam room to find Carter leaning against the wall, waiting for her."Why don't you take your break now," he almost ordered.Feeling as if she had no choice, Abby followed Carter up to the roof.She stood, feeling awkward as she waited for him to speak.

He finally looked at her."Deb said that you're engaged now?" he practically sighed.

Abby couldn't help smiling as she played with the ring on her finger.She knew it was cruel to do to Carter, but that seemed to be her involuntary reaction whenever she thought about being Luka's fiancé.She suppressed her smile and nodded.What could she say?"Carter, I'm sorry that I hurt you.I love you, but as a friend only.I know that's clichéd, but…"

He sighed again. "But you're in love with _him_ – not me," he finished for her.

She nodded.How could she make him understand?"I don't want to lose our friendship, but I can't love you the way you want me to."She was frustrated by Carter's unwillingness to accept this."I miss you, Carter.Can't we still be friends?"Abby winced at how juvenile that comment sounded – like she was a junior high girlfriend dumping her boyfriend of one week – but Carter didn't seem to notice.Instead, he just shook his head.

"I wish it were that simple.Maybe it is for you, but I can't just be the 'other man' in your life."He turned to leave."Goodbye, Abby."

Abby watched as Carter climbed down from the roof, wondering why he had even bothered to talk to her.Despite the happiness in her heart, she was still upset and she fought against the tears that threatened to fill her eyes.She turned and looked over the rooftops of Chicago just as she had done the first time she and Carter had had this conversation a few weeks before.She heard footsteps behind her and felt Luka's strong arms wrap around her waist.She leaned back into his embrace, comforted by the fact that he always seemed to show up when she needed him the most.As he pressed his lips to the top of her head, she whispered, "Hold me."He did.


	5. Rooftop Musings

DISCLAIMER: Well, I guess after writing this for every chapter I've finally faced up to the sad fact: I do not own ER, or any 

DISCLAIMER: Well, I guess after writing this for every chapter I've finally faced up to the sad fact: I do not own ER, or any of the characters. *cries* All right, I'm okay…

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Here's chapter 5 for you – it takes place the day after chapter 4.Abby's POV, kinda angsty.You get the point.R/R, please!

ROOFTOP MUSINGS

I find myself up on the roof again.I seem to be spending a lot of time up here lately.My shift just ended, so at least I'm not in danger of being called back down if a trauma comes in.It's Luka's day off today, so I know he won't be following me up here. Normally I don't mind, and actually welcome the company of my fiancé, but I'm glad he's not here right now.I need some time to think, alone.

I take a drag on my cigarette, feeling it slowly calm my nerves.Luka hates it that I smoke, and I've actually been trying to quit for a while now.But, _God_, it's hard.Especially lately, with all this shit going on with Carter, and…

Carter.The man who, up until a few weeks ago, was my best friend.I still find it hard to believe that I missed all the signs – signs telling me he was falling in love with me.Looking back, I must have seemed so dense.Poor guy.I think now of the charity ball, the trip to Oklahoma, and those are just the big ones.There are countless other moments, looks, comments, that _should_ have given me a clue.But no, I remained oblivious, wallowing in my own self-pity, while my best friend was trying everything except saying it straight out to tell me that he was in love with me.

But would it really have made a difference – my figuring it out months ago as opposed to finding out a few weeks ago?I like to think it wouldn't have, to absolve myself of the guilt I'm feeling about our lost friendship.But I honestly don't know.What would have happened if I had known Carter loved me, say, three months ago?It's a question that I can't (or don't want to?) answer.I take another puff of my cigarette, thinking.

And then I _know_.If Carter had admitted his love to me earlier, there is a good chance that I would be with him right now.I am floored by this thought, but I know that it's probably true.And it scares me, how close I could have come to throwing away my relationship with Luka.

Luka.I feel myself grinning at the thought of him.Being his fiancé has turned me into one of those giddy, giggly girls that I've always scorned.But I can't help myself – I am in love for quite possibly the first time in my life.And I am _happy_, which is also something that I'm still getting used to.

But still, I find myself pacing the roof. (I hate it when people pace, and here I am doing it myself!)Underneath my contentment, I am torn up inside.I miss Carter – our talks, how comfortable I am with him, the understanding we share…I may not be _in_ love with him, but I know that I do love him.And that's what makes it so hard that he doesn't even want to try and work on our friendship.I don't know what I can do to make him accept the fact that I am not going to date him, that I am not in love with him.

I raise my eyes up to the cloudy sky in silent supplication to whoever is up there.And, for the first time in – well, a long time – I pray. I find myself begging, pleading for answers.I can't just passively sit back and watch my deepest friendship wither, but I also can't deny my love for Luka._Oh, God, what do I do?_I listen, and hear nothing.The heavens are silent and I am helpless to do anything about it.


	6. Reconciliation

DISCLAIMER: Okay, you know what I'm going to say…I don't own them

DISCLAIMER: Okay, you know what I'm going to say…I don't own them!!I'm just borrowing them for a while…I'll return them!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The 6th chapter of LAR takes place sometime after chapter 5.Thank you so much for the kind reviews!

RECONCILIATION

Carter was beginning to realize that the situation was getting out of control.He and Kovac had been avoiding each other as much as possible, and when they did have to be in the same room, you could almost taste the tension in the air.The nurses had a pool going, betting on who would snap first.The betting was split fairly evenly between the two, leaning a little towards the Luka side.

But the last straw for Carter had come earlier that afternoon.A patient, after watching the two doctors interact, had remarked slyly to Carter, "Don't like him much, huh Doc?"Carter had muttered something noncommittal, like "He's a good doctor," and then got the hell out of there.He was shocked that even the patients were picking up on the animosity between the two, and decided that something had to be done.

"Haleh, have you seen Dr. Kovac?" he asked.Haleh raised her eyebrows and nodded in the direction of the roof._God, the roof again,_ he thought wryly, _between Abby and Luka they must own the place._Nevertheless, Carter found himself on the roof, staring at Kovac's back.He coughed, and the Croatian turned."Dr. Carter."

"Dr. Kovac," Carter nodded.An awkward silence fell until Carter spoke again."I love her, you know."

Luka's face darkened, but all he said was, "So do I.More than she knows."

Carter acknowledged this with a curt nod of his head.Then he sighed."And she loves you.I know that.You'd have to be blind not to see it."

Luka raised his head in surprise.Carter continued."I want her to be happy.And she…" He paused; this was harder than he'd expected."Well, you make her happy.So I decided to…to stop trying to make her love me.Marry her.Make her happy.Let her make you happy.You have my blessing.I know that's old fashioned, and you don't need my blessing, but I'm giving it anyways.I thought you should know."Carter's breath whooshed out and he was suddenly exhausted.He hadn't counted on feeling a sense of relief along with the loss he felt.

Luka just stood there, amazed."Thank you," he finally said softly, knowing how much that admission had cost Carter.He closed his eyes, also knowing that it was now his turn to offer something back to the man who stood in front of him."You're a good friend to her.Don't let that friendship go because of this.She needs a friend like you."

Carter nodded, agreeing as Luka continued."You know, I could always use another friend too…" He trailed off, wondering if he was pushing his luck.

But Carter suddenly grinned and stuck out his hand.The two men shook hands firmly and Carter answered, "You can never have too many friends."

Luka returned Carter's grin and said, "I was going to see if Abby wanted to head to Doc Magoo's for dinner.Want to join us?Give the nurses something else to talk about?"

Carter slapped Luka on the back, in a man-to-man gesture."I'd like that."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Luka entered the lounge, whistling.Abby turned, a smile on her lips."What's with you?" she queried.

"Can't I be happy?I had a good day, that's all."He put his arm around her shoulders and kissed her cheek.

Abby laughed."I'm glad you're so happy," she said, squeezing his hand.

"I was thinking of going over to Doc's for dinner, to celebrate.What do you think?"

She smiled up at him, amused."Sounds good."

He took her hand."Do you mind if I bring along a new friend of mine?"


	7. Second Thoughts

DISCLAIMER: You know what I'm going to say…

DISCLAIMER: You know what I'm going to say…

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Chapter 7…takes place right after chapter 6…Carter's POV…please r/r of course…

SECOND THOUGHTS

_What am I doing?_I stand alone on the roof, dumbfounded.I just lost her.Gave her up.And while there is a sense of relief – I know it was the right thing to do – I feel such loss.I feel like my heart has been wrenched out of my chest and there it lies, on the ground, to be trampled.I sink to the ground, wanting to cry.

What came over me while I was talking to Luka?I smiled at him, shook his hand, told him we could be friends.And I said I'd meet them – _both_ of them – for dinner?What was I thinking?I must have been delirious, or something.If I didn't know better, I'd think I had been taking pills again.

The asshole.Who did he think he was, acting all buddy-buddy with me?Easy for _him_, he got the girl.A dinner invitation.What did he think, that I'd be all happy about it?Sure, I acted like I was (again, what _was_ I thinking?), but did he really expect that to be true?

My emotions are going haywire – relief, loss, anger, hate, regret, love…I can't believe that I actually gave Luka my _blessing_ to marry the woman that I love.How could I?I know why I did it – she would have never been happy with me – but I still can't help but think that I should have waited._(But for what?She's marrying the guy.)_

I do know one thing.I can't go to dinner with them.The thought almost makes me laugh, it's so ridiculous.Tag along on their date? Right.Why did I ever accept Luka's invitation?

Because, in my heart, I want to mend things with them, both of them.She does love me, even if it's not in the way I long for her to love me.She has been my best friend, and somehow the loss of that friendship hurts even more than the loss of the possibility of a romantic relationship with her.And Luka – he tried, he really did.I try to see myself in his place.I imagine me as Abby's fiancé and Luka trying to steal her heart.I don't think I would have handled it as calmly as he did.So maybe I owe him.Or something.

But, still, I can't see myself going over to Doc Magoo's.They're probably waiting for me right now.To see them together still hurts.I feel pulled in two very opposite directions.I decide to skip dinner tonight and just go home.

But then, I find myself walking across the street to Doc's, against my better judgment.It's like I'm not in control of my actions anymore and a stronger force is making my feet move, one in front of the other._Why am I doing this?_

I arrive at the door and see them sitting in a booth near the window.Luka looks up as I walk in and as he sees me, his face changes.I think that my own face must be betraying my reluctance and he, somehow, understands.He stands up, and with a short word to Abby, comes my way.I meet him halfway to their table and he smiles hesitantly.Not a word is spoken between us, and he continues walking until he is out the door.I understand, and for the second time tonight I am amazed at this man.He is actually going to leave me alone with her.I watch him leave, grateful.

I slide into the booth, sitting opposite Abby."Hey," she says softly.

"Hey…"I return her greeting.I look at her, mesmerized for a moment by her beauty.And suddenly, I have no idea what to say.I will think of something, though…

***Ahh…want to know what he says?I'll leave that to your imagination! JSome details may reveal themselves in future chapters, so be patient! ~kate


	8. Hold Me

DISCLAIMER: I'm going to stop writing disclaimers

DISCLAIMER: I'm going to stop writing disclaimers.It's getting kind of old.In the future, just refer back to any of the other chapters.I DON'T OWN THEM!Okay.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the 8th chapter of LAR and takes place several hours after chapter 7.Please r/r!

HOLD ME

Abby sat alone in the booth of Doc Magoo's, a cold cup of coffee untouched in front of her.She had no idea how long she had been there, but Carter had left long ago.Her head was still reeling from their conversation.Lately, every conversation she'd had with Carter had been tiring, but this one was, by far, the most exhausting yet.She absently traced the rim of the coffee mug as she thought of what the coming days and weeks would bring.Healing?Friendship?More awkwardness?More long silences?She honestly didn't know.

Staring out the window, Abby knew that there was reason to hope.Carter had, essentially, let her go.Told her that she was better off with Luka.Promised to support her decision to be with Luka._("I may not come to the wedding, though.")_And the most amazing thing of all – despite his hurt, he had wanted to rebuild their friendship.That meant more to Abby than anything.

And then there was Luka.Another reason to hope.His animosity towards Carter had been replaced by an understanding that was beyond Abby's grasp.She had always known that, had circumstances been different, the two men in her life would have probably been good friends.It would take a long time, but Abby was hopeful.It could still happen.She was filled with gratitude towards both these men.

Abby was startled by a voice calling her name.She looked up and was surprised to see Cleo Finch standing beside the booth."Abby, are you okay?"

Feeling slightly disoriented, Abby nodded and slowly got up."I was just leaving…" She headed towards the door, leaving Dr. Finch to puzzle over her strange behavior.

Later, Abby would have no recollection of her short exchange with Cleo or of walking through the streets of Chicago.She found herself standing in front of Luka's hotel room door, watching the doorknob turn.She must have knocked, but did not remember that either.Luka opened the door wearing only his boxer shorts.Abby was finally brought out of her daze by the sight of her fiancé dressed for bed.She had forgotten it was so late.She was about to apologize for waking him up, but he just held the door open wider.An invitation.

Abby stepped into Luka's room and whispered, "thank you."Somehow he knew that she was not just thanking him for letting her in."Thank you," she repeated again, and then said, almost shyly, "Would you just hold me, Luka?Please?"

Unhesitatingly, he complied.With his arms around her, she felt the tension of the past weeks slowly fade from her body and soul.She leaned into him, letting him comfort her in a way that only he could.She felt a peace settle around her heart as he guided her to his bed and they lay down.

There are times when just being in someone's arms is so much better than kissing, or even making love.And so, as Abby drifted off to sleep clasped in Luka's arms, she felt more complete, more whole, than she had ever felt before.They slept side by side, never moving, so content they were in that position.And when the morning sun finally crept across the bed, Abby awoke to a new day, a new beginning.She snuggled closer to Luka, savoring the feeling of being held by him.


End file.
